The problem with being stationary in Green Bay is that I don’t have much to talk about on this blog other than the roller-coaster train of thought playing out in my own mind.
“Core Group” Drama
In the eleven days since my last post in which I discussed my “core group” of favorite haunters and friends, things have been especially shaky. Since I’ve returned to Wisconsin, I’ve been attempting to rally the troops – drilling it into their heads that our shared common goals are, in fact, achievable if we stick together and support each other.
Many within this group – including myself, briefly – were part of another project earlier this year. I’m not going to go into details that are not fit for public consumption. Suffice to say, there was some drama involved with that project, and some of that drama is still playing out today. For me, the drama boiled over and became intolerable last week Friday.
That eruption left me very disappointed, and contemplating whether it was worth staying here in Wisconsin. I doubted whether we were mature enough to move forward as a group. I summoned two of my closest friends and had a very blunt and frank conversation with them the next morning. Then I left for two days to go down to Missouri to see the eclipse.
When I returned from Missouri, one of them had received overtures from a haunt out in Pennsylvania, and we met at his place Monday evening to discuss the opportunity. Again, I’m not going to go into details about it since the details are irrelevant. Also, I’m not personally excited about this opportunity. However, it was at this meeting when I finally heard talk from the participants that made me believe that my oft-repeated message was finally getting through.
We haven’t reconvened as a group since Monday. However a few of us – in the days that followed this week – tried to get an apartment together. And that opened up a whole new can of dramatic worms.
State of My Head
So it’s been up, down, up, down, up, down for me these past two weeks. You have a 50/50 guess how I’m feeling right now because I could be writing a very different post if I had written this post a day or two earlier or a day or two later.
Right this minute, I’m feeling despondent. But one thing that’s different now is that it’s this roller coaster of emotions itself that I’m feeling least hopeful about. The fact that it has been so difficult to rally the troops and the fact that I’ve had to endure so much drama is now an objective red flag to me that I really should cut my losses. Yes, these folks are still my friends, and I don’t want to give them a giant middle finger.
But I’m ready to move on with my future. And I am absolutely committed to figuring out how to make a living doing haunt work. At a certain point, I’ve got to stop allowing my friendships and my emotions cloud my judgment. Because if I do, I’m setting myself up for a world of hurt.
I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m ready to move forward with this dream. They’re not there, yet. And because I’m currently homeless and jobless, I can’t afford to wait for them to catch up. I need to take matters into my own hands and get the ball rolling.
Daytime and overnight lows have cooled such that being homeless has once again become tolerable. However, the cold nights are a chilling reminder that I have to find shelter before winter gets here. Suddenly, I realize that I’ve been dragging my heels for the past two weeks.
I’ve considered temporary housing here in Green Bay. It would allow me to stay close to my friends at least long enough to see if we can get some momentum going on a group endeavor. But I know that one way or another, I’m not staying in Green Bay for the long term. Fortunately, most within this core group agree that Green Bay is a dead end. Most of us want to move. But if moving is inevitable, I’d rather not stay in Green Bay. Because of moving costs and security deposits and whatever other bullshit fees landlords have a tendency to impose – I’m not keen to move into a place I don’t plan to be in 12 months from now. It would be cheaper to jump straight to a more permanent destination.
Madison is another option. Apart from expensive housing, it’s actually the most attractive. I’m still within decent driving distance to most of my friends within this core group. I’d be in the same city as two more. Madison has a theatre culture, and one of the employment jobs I’ve been strongly considering is theatrical work. There are also rumors about a major haunt expanding into Madison, and there’s a possibility that I could be recruited to get that going. I probably mentioned that rumor in a previous post.
But at the end of the day, I can’t shake this raging boner I have for western Washington. Yes, it would be far from my friends (assuming they remain in Green Bay). And probably the worst part about it is that I know NOBODY out there. But it puts major distance between myself and my old life – including my family and prior career. The climate is much more moderate. I love the scenery. I feel like going out there is the fresh start I need to really begin the next chapter of my life.
Big, Scary Decisions
Once again, I’m facing a big and scary decision. Just like quitting my job and selling my house.
But I did those things, so that gives me some hope that I can do it again. On the other hand, I did those things, so why am I still so reluctant to pull the trigger now? Is it because I’m back home and surrounded by friends I don’t want to abandon? Is it because I stopped travelling and have lost my momentum to make big decisions?
Objectively, I know that nothing is guaranteed. I’m running risks whether I stay in Green Bay, go to Madison, or go to Washington. The only good thing Green Bay has going for it is that I’m familiar with it. I know people and it already feels like home. If I go anywhere else, I’ll have to meet new people and settle in.
Honestly, just typing out these last few paragraphs… In so doing, I think I’m pumping up myself to make that decision and go to Washington. But when do I go? Now? Or is there any value to lingering around here for a little while?
I panic about making the “wrong decision”, but I don’t know if there is a wrong decision. I’m sure everyone has an opinion about what I should do. But if I drop everything and go to Washington, what’s the worst that could happen? Would it really be any worse than staying here? I could end up thriving out there and kicking myself in the butt for not going out there earlier.
Don’t you just love listening to my train of thought?
I’m sure you hate reading posts like this as much as I hate writing them. But I needed to do this at least this one more time. Hopefully it will be the last time. I’ve got a gut feeling that I’m just going to pull the trigger and make a decision within the next few days. Hopefully I don’t feel compelled to do another stream-of-consciousness dump here. Hopefully the next post is me sharing the news that I’ve found a place to live. (No promises, though!)
Black Hole Sun
So yes, I did go down to Missouri to watch the eclipse. I wound up at a rest stop about 50 miles west of St. Louis. If you have only seen a partial eclipse, trust me when I tell you that you haven’t seen an eclipse. Partial eclipses are underwhelming compared to totality. It is absolutely worth taking time off work and travelling to the path of totality.
As I expected, my digital photos are shit. I don’t understand why digital cameras can’t photograph an eclipse. I also took pictures using a manual / film camera, but I haven’t developed those yet. Although I could distinguish the corona using the manual camera, I had to crank up the exposure. I had the camera off the tripod to do so, and only moments to catch totality. So I’m thinking those photos will end up blurry. Makes me wish I had spent more time just soaking in the experience. Oh well. There’s always 2024.